Stop bringing home the stress from work. And the other way around

A few days ago, I bumped into a friend whom I hadn't seen in a long time. We were in the park, on one of the few beautiful sunny days this year, enjoying time with our children on roller-skates.

Just 5 minutes in and, all of a sudden, she begins talking about work. My friend was telling me about the calls she had, about her ‘boss ’, actually, complaining about the multiple ‘bosses’ that pile her time up. Not to mention subjects such as ‘Compliance’, ‘SPO’, ‘Operations’, and many other English words that I heard and understood, but I couldn’t really compile.

This narrative lasted almost our entire encounter and, although we were in the park, I felt as if I was nowhere else other than at work with her.

This happens to all of us - talking with others about our work problems. They tend to stick to our minds without our will, and sometimes they also invade the discussions with others. And do you know what’s difficult? To realize whether you bring the subject in our conversation out of stress or out of enthusiasm. No kidding. Stress sometimes comes in as being passionate or caring about our jobs, yet it goes into the stress-extreme.

See whether the clues below seem familiar.

5 critical signs that stress might be behind your work and private life:

• Whatever the subject may be, you feel the need to constantly think or talk about your work problems (you may play them out in your mind over and over or bring the ‘work’ subject again and again while talking with family or friends –this feels like the most important thing to discuss.

• When you play with your children or you spend time with your partner, you simply can't detach yourself from job-related thoughts. This it's a sign that there's something stressful.

• You would like to relax or have fun, but you simply can't.

• It seems that even your body doesn’t know how to relax anymore. If you carefully pay attention (even now while reading this) you might realize that your shoulders or jaw are tensed.

• The only 'feeling' of relaxation comes from the moments when you choose to distract yourself by using your phone or Netflix binging. Sorry to break it to you: this won’t help recharge your batteries or be wiser in personal management.

What happens in our nervous system when stress knocks at the door

Stress doesn’t manifest only at a mental level, but it also creates reactions in the body.

When we feel stressed the level of the sympathetic side of the autonomic nervous system amplifies.  

I don't know why it is called sympathetic; in stressful times it doesn’t express any sympathy to me.

This means that the environmental requirements are higher than our internal resources. In simpler terms, we feel like we are in danger and we need to react immediately.

What does the lion in the savanna have to do with the ‘difficult person’ from work?

This produces the exact same reactions as if we were followed by a lion in the savanna. When we are confronting this type of threat, we either run, freeze or fight (that’s all our mind and bodies can do in critical moments, no matter how polished we would be in terms of communication abilities, management, or decision-making skills. When presented with such stress, we have little or no access to them.

These three reactions are the ones also going live at work - when we run (from responsibilities, e.g.: scrolling on Facebook for example), freeze (when there’s nothing we have to say I can’t state my opinions back to the boss), or when we fight (whining, complaining, over-working

When going through these types of moments, our bodies produce adrenaline (who doesn’t love a powerful boost?). The adrenaline signals that we are ready to act. This hormone is the one that makes us feel, like some say, ‘more alive’.

This is also the very reason why just as we love a good thrill, we unconsciously become addicted to the stress.

But the stress itself is not necessarily something negative. There’s also ‘eustress’ which is helping us outgrow our personal limits.

Cortisol, also called the ‘stress hormone’, is another ingredient of this cocktail. Due to its very concentrated formula, the body becomes stiff, and the mind functions (the prefrontal cortex) get blocked. This mechanism makes you ‘be at work’ in your mind, even when you’re in the park.

But there is more to it. Aside from this sympathetic side of the autonomous nervous system, there is also the parasympathetic side. This gets activated when we are calm when we feel safe and unthreatened. Remember your relaxing holiday? This was your parasympathetic nervous system having a blast. When this side is active and especially when we can easily alternate between the two modes, that’s when we begin to properly benefit from the more advanced resources of the prefrontal cortex. What this means is that we are able to respond more assertively, to have better focus, to make better decisions. Essentially, we gain access to our whole package of potential.

The key secret: have the parasympathetic-sympathetic ‘sandwich’ regularly

It is not enough to make the switch only when we’re on holiday or when we hit rock-bottom. Or when a good friend bluntly asks to change the subject.

Everyone needs to make the switch. Everyone can choose to take care of themselves.

So, how do we do that?

Below there are three efficient ways for you to try this week. But before you continue reading, make yourself a promise: commit to trying them out at least five times in the following week. What do you say?

Okay. Now that you promised, take them one by one and notice which one has the best effects:

1.When you get home from work, spend five more minutes in your car. If you don’t drive to work, find a way to spend five minutes for yourself: may it be on a bench on the way home, or into the bathroom when you arrive. This is your ‘me-time’: not scrolling on Facebook time, not looking for a fly on the wall time. Just you with yourself, unwinding. Consider it your meditation exercise. Here’s one 5-minute mindfulness meditation for letting go and recharging. This will train your mind to redirect your job-oriented attention towards what really matters at home. It’s a pause that gives your parasympathetic system the chance to activate. It’s giving yourself a mind relaxation boost. And the body will follow. If you’re braver than five minutes, add a thirty-minute meditation every day.

2.Set a ‘check-in’ alarm while working at your desk, say, every 1,5 hours. Just stop for a moment and embody that off-duty mode in which you check in with your body. Just as if you would ask your body: ‘Oh, hi. How are you feeling? Where do you feel tense? Where do you need to relax? What’s the situation with your jaw or your shoulders?’. Perhaps stretch a bit. The secret really is exercising allowing yourself to have these moments at the end of a call or a creative time. The results are worth it.

3.Now, think about an activity that you enjoy and that you have control on, an activity you do just for the dear sake of doing it. One that you’re not supposed to have a goal or attain an objective (if that sounds weird to you, consider it your sign of actually needing this). Yes, make a shortlist now. It could be a walk in the forest (but an adrenaline-rush bicycle tour in the forest wouldn’t fit this type, since it’s an activity because it would activate the sympathetic mode) or reading a book, (yet not a profession-oriented one), or even a long bath or shower.

Does it make sense? We’re choosing activities to activate your parasympathetic nervous system.

I used to create a jaw-dropping winding-down mix. Mondays I would choose a long bath, Tuesdays a massage (or self-massage), Wednesdays were for music and daydreaming with a nice teacup, Thursdays some relaxing yoga practice. This was a recurrent weekly schedule and I was so looking forward to each day of my own little ‘spa’ moment, even if sometimes it lasted only 15 mins.

Mix this with the five to ten minutes of meditation we talked about before, and it will allow you to actually be in the park when you are in the park. You will be able to experience the joy of a walk, a date with a dear one, and even the kids won’t scratch your nerves so much. You will notice in quite a short while that you gained access to the resources you needed to just roll on with your job and stop the struggle with them all the time.

You can’t unhook yourself using another hook

That is, you can’t stop thinking about your current problems by only thinking about them; we are so used to constant problem-solving techniques, but these just activate the sympathetic side of the nervous system. 

The mind and the body need to refocus on other activities, more on the parasympathetic side.

If these were easy to adopt and maintain, you wouldn't read this line.

However, it’s also a sign of curiosity and that this is the right time to access different kinds of resources.

And here it is:

The harsh truth and a motivational boost: stress reduces the responsiveness and resilience of your immune system.

Stress makes you become much more susceptible to viruses and diverse sicknesses. This is a science-based fact.

Start taking care of yourself now.

References and further readings:

• Gabor Mate: 'When the Boy Says No'
• Daniel Goleman: 'Focus'
• Rick Hanson: 'The Buddha’s Brain'
• Russ Harris: 'ACT made Simple'
• Richard Davidson: 'Altered Traits' 

Connect with Adriana on LinkedIn if you want to learn more.