Train your mind into assertiveness with Răzvan Goga

Choose to educate your mind into assertiveness. You’re not born with it.

Assertiveness, beyond its definition, factually highlights its rational aspect. 

Given its history, assertiveness came across more as a negotiation tactic. Coming from the late 40s, this term gained popularity in psychology-oriented contexts but also in Politics. Looking back in the past, assertive methods can be observed in the negotiations between America and Mexico, and in many other political environments over the years. Political strategies have expanded into the business area slowly but surely, and now, more than ever, even everyday negotiations are welcoming these tactics.

New assertive behaviors ask for conscious training efforts 

The assertive approach aims to attain a win-win situation that nurtures both (or all) parties’ realities and creates a meeting point where no one’s feelings are hurt. Hurting one’s feelings often has something to do with dismissing the reality each one believes to be true. 

Truth is, agreement is not about deciding who is right or wrong. Usually, the truth can be found at both ends of the spectrum but in very different shapes and forms. 

Here’s where the ‘let’s agree to disagree’ phrase comes into play. It changes the focus more on becoming aware of the reasoning behind the reactions to stimuli, and even more important, on how to design the messages/ stimuli.

Assessing the design of thoughts, the way we verbalize those ideas, and put simply, how we engage in effective, empathic, and respectful communication is a matter of human education. We were definitely not born with these principles embedded in who we are. And that’s why it’s a choice we are free to make in our development. 

Could you be standing in your own way of becoming assertive? 

Our first years of formation have plenty of angles to be studied and discussed because they represent the foundation of how we interact and interpret reality. 

This is why we invited Răzvan Goga, ATU Trainer, and Consultant, to talk more about the aspects he considers relevant in the study of assertiveness. Given the fact that human self-consciousness is a strong asset in the way we react to matters in life, we came to the conclusion that we could be the very ones standing in our own way to become more assertive. 

But before we get even more in-depth with that, there is one more thing we need to sort out. 

Even though around 40-50% of how we are is believed to be received from our environment, and genes, with 10% having to do with the culture we were born into, there is still a big amount of self-development decision-making left to do.

And if we consider assertiveness as a balanced approach to design the communication and the thoughts we bring into our own reality and other people’s lives, we must bring into conversation passiveness and aggressiveness. 

The imitation game works for good matters too: adapting to assertiveness

In the first three years of life, depending of course on our environment, we decide for ourselves our stance in life. 

Studies from Thomas Harris show that there are considered to be four stances one can take:

I’m okay, you’re okay. 

I’m not okay, you’re okay. 

I’m okay, you’re not okay.

I’m not okay, you’re not okay.

Their simplicity strikes most due to the imitation game we are all biased towards. These stances are not permanent, they can shift while maturing but they represent algorithms of understanding that run for enough time in our formation years to be influential in our decision of being passive, aggressive, or assertive. 

Their temporary aspect leaves room to change and self-development, and just like many other aspects of life, assertiveness is also prone to change behavior through copying assertive examples. Thus, we are all responsible for being part of a paradigm shift in terms of reaction just as much as for action. 

Manage yourself, your social, and professional environments better with assertiveness 

Răzvan Goga made it more clear for us to understand how one reacts to stimuli. There are three speeds at which our whole self interacts with the presented stimuli. 

To get a clearer perspective on those speed rates, Răzvan created a parallel for the neocortex - as the computer, the amygdala - as the monkey mind, and the parietal cortex - as the human.

Shown below you have the choreography for responding to stimuli.

According to Răzvan and validated by stress.org, the three sections of our brain: our lizard brain (or computer), our monkey brain, and our human brain. 

'The lizard brain contains the cerebellum and brainstem, which control our most basic instincts.'

1X speed of reaction

'The monkey brain controls more complex tasks as well as emotions and is fueled by our most basic responses to fear and desire.'

5X speed of reaction

'The most advanced part of the brain is the human brain, which consists of the outer layer, surrounding the monkey brain. This area allows for logical, emotionless thought, as well as delayed gratification or reference.'

10X speed of reaction

Expand the assertive communication into non and paraverbal communication

Communication expands outside the verbal spectrum as humans express around 70% of their messages nonverbally. Here, the workshop Răzvan held focused on the attitude we take when it comes to delivering assertive messages. And he suggested that we should always take into consideration the 3 important variables when designing our message assertively. 

• Explain the situation as clearly and as objectively as possible.
• Express the emotional results that the situation is causing without blaming or hurting anyone.
• Offer a solution that can really make a difference.

By doing so, not only do you become more conscious and detached, but you also express a solution-oriented approach that doesn’t attack the person, but challenges a less positive behavior to upgrade for the better.

Thank you, Răzvan Goga for supporting our training to a much more assertive everyday behavior.

Final takeaways from Răzvan

‘Analyze the feedback you received from people who matter to you. See how your message made them feel and adjust more assertively in the future. 

People who by default react more aggressively engage differently to people who are more passive and vice-versa. Start observing and exercising assertiveness with the people you know.’

About Răzvan Goga

Răzvan is a senior consultant and trainer at ATU Consulting. He’s been passionate and proactive about self-development and training for over 12 years now. His areas of expertise meet communication, leadership, team management, sales techniques, and negotiation techniques.  

Until next time,

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Further reads

‘The Chimp Paradox: The Acclaimed Mind Management Programme to Help You Achieve Success, Confidence and Happiness’ by Steve Peters

‘I'm OK - You're OK’ by Thomas A. Harris

8 Science-Based Tricks For Quieting The Monkey Mind